


no matter who you love

by ciiervo



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, M/M, Self-Harm, emotionally constipated german boys, eventual polyamory, tendo is a clueless darling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-12
Updated: 2014-06-12
Packaged: 2018-02-04 08:36:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1772683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ciiervo/pseuds/ciiervo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermann and Vanessa decided on an open relationship several years ago. However, Hermann never imagined he'd be the one to fall in love a second time. He also never realized how badly he'd mess things up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	no matter who you love

**Author's Note:**

> My first Pacific Rim fic! Oh man, was this fun to write. It took a while, but that's mainly because I finished it during final exam time hehe. I'll hopefully have another Pacific Rim fic out in a couple of weeks, this one more focused on Newton. Enjoy!

Hermann learned early on that his relationship with Vanessa was anything _but_ usual. He came to this conclusion some time after his accident left him disabled, when Vanessa's only comment was, "you could've had a real bad-ass cane, that one looks so plain!" This theory stayed true through months of long distance and "making it work" when they continued to be the best of friends and the closest of partners. But even after six years together, Vanessa proved she could still catch him off guard at anytime.

Sometime after their second wedding anniversary, Vanessa brought up an unlikely topic.

"An open relationship?" Hermann had heard of the concept before (it was 2013, after all), but he'd never actually considered it as an option for himself. He turned his head to face Vanessa, who lay next to him in bed with her eyes fixed on the ceiling. She turned her head to look at him, waiting for some sort of response, be it negative or positive.

When he didn't respond, she huffed and shifted her whole body to the right so she could lay on her side, her eyes meeting his as she tucked her arms in front of her. "Yes, dear. You know what I mean, don't you-"

"No, I'm aware of the concept," Hermann interrupted, still a little dazed by the question. "I understand, I just..." He sat up in the bed, glancing away as he tried to collect his thoughts into a cohesive explanation. "I just don't know why..."

His gaze had traveled to their wardrobe, where his cane was propped up. Vanessa must have noticed because she made an unhappy sound, her hands shooting over to take one of Hermann's hands in both of hers.

"Love, no! You must believe me, that has nothing to do with it!" She sat straight up, but Hermann didn't take his eyes off the cane. She continued, "Hermann, I love you more than anything on this earth. One little thing couldn't change that, do you understand me?" When he didn't respond, she reached out and turned his face towards hers and repeated, "do you understand?"

The amount of love and affection in her eyes melted his heart (as it always did), and he leaned forward to press a kiss to her nose. "Of course, _mein Schatz_ , forgive me."

Vanessa grinned and shuffled down to lay her head on his chest, one arm wrapped around his waist. "It's alright, I forgive you. We don't have to talk about it anymore, if it upsets you."

Hermann was content to lay like this, with her ear to his heart and his hand in her hair, softly separating the black strands, but the question still nagged at him. "Why would you want to?" he asked, "if you don't mind my asking."

Vanessa laid silent for a few moments, staring at the wall opposite her before taking a deep breath. "Look, I know we both have very demanding jobs, jobs that take us all over the world to meet all sorts of different people." She took his hand and idly stroked at the palm with her thumb. "Should we meet someone out there, someone we truly love, I don't think we should be afraid of it breaking our relationship, you know? You can love more than one person at once."

"I know, I know." The more Hermann thought about it, the more it made sense. With all the traveling they did (both together and separately), it wouldn't be that surprising for either of them to meet someone they clicked with. "I think..." He stopped petting her hair for a second, just to be sure he had all of his thoughts together.

"I think it is not something we should actively advertise," he decided. "There isn't exactly complete acceptance of that kind of thing in this day and age. It is becoming more acceptable, but it still looked down on, nonetheless."

He felt Vanessa nod against him. "Yeah, look at that 'Sister Wives' thing. That show caused a shitstorm the size of Trespasser."

Hermann let out a soft chuckle, pulling her a little closer and resting his chin on her head. "Indeed it did." After another few moments to think, he took a deep breath. "Perhaps it would be easiest if we kept our relationship business to ourselves? For me, anyway. I know you are perfectly fine with defending yourself against social norms-"

"Damn right I am-"

"And I think that's extremely admirable," Hermann added, giving her a soft kiss on the top of her head. "But I...I don't think I'd be ready for that kind of attention. If it was me having another relationship, anyway."

Vanessa was not offended in the slightest. She nodded again, her arm tightening around Hermann's waist. "I understand. You don't have to flaunt that you're married, you know. I mean if someone asks, sure, but otherwise you don't have to say anything." She glanced up in time to see Hermann's nod of approval before she turned up her lips in a smile. "I, however, will have no problem pointing to you and saying 'who's that handsome devil? Oh wait, he's _mine_."

Hermann laughed, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her up for a kiss. "Of course," he confirmed, after pulling away to rest his forehead against hers. "Always. No matter who else you love, we'll always love each other."

\---

About two or three months later, Hermann gets his first letter from Dr. Newton Geizler.

\---

"Writing to Newt?"

Hermann glanced up to see that Vanessa had perched herself on the edge of his desk without alerting him. She looked smug.

"Yes..." Hermann put his pencil down and took off his glasses. "And how on earth did you know that?"

In response, Vanessa leaned forward and poked Hermann's nose. "Your face," she replied. "Whenever you're writing to Newt or reading one of his letters, your eyes light up and you smile like a eight year old girl watching High School Musical."

"I do not do _anything_ like an eight year old girl," huffed Herman, crossing his arms and staring at the wall with a scowl.

"Then why are you pouting?"

Hermann didn't respond, but he did uncross his arms. Vanessa smirked before hopping off the desk to stand behind her husband's chair. "Just admit it Hermann, " she teased, draping her arms around his neck from behind. She slid forward, her head resting beside Hermann's on his shoulder. "You liiiiiike him!"

"I most certainly do not!" Hermann scowled again, pushing the letter further away from him on the desk. "We are colleagues; he is an interesting man who knows a lot about the kaiju. It is refreshing to speak at length about such an interesting subject with someone whose opinion differs so vastly from mine."

"Uh huh. Yeah. Okay." Vanessa stood up fully, turning her body to lean her hip on the desk. "You've been speaking with him for _three_ years, love. Have you ever considered actually meeting the man?"

Hermann said nothing. After a few moments of silence, he reached for his pencil and paper. "I think...I think I'll make an addendum to my letter. Perhaps Dr. Geizler would be free to visit sometime within the month."

Vanessa smirked again, leaning over Hermann's shoulder to read as he wrote.

\---

"Immature, scruffy, hyperactive-"

Hermann burst through the door spewing insults and curses. The jacket he ripped off was flung towards the coat rack (though it never made it to a hook).

"What's wrong, love?"

Vanessa was in the living room, typing up a report and waiting for the result of a meeting. "How did it go?"

"He's a child!" Hermann barked. He began to pace, rubbing his temples in an attempt to calm down. "He acts like a toddler, he's always bouncing around, he disagrees with _everything_ I say - not just science, _everything!_ " His voice raised a few octaves, no doubt to parody Newt's voice. "'I've never met a German who didn't take their coffee black, it's just better that way. That's an odd choice of clothing, did you get it from your grandfather? The eighties called, they want your bowl cut back!'"

Vanessa covered her mouth with her hand, trying her best to hold back a stream of giggles, .

"I just can't stand him!" Hermann turned to look at her, his hair askew from running his hands through it in frustration. "And his vocabulary! Always saying ridiculous things like 'dude' and 'man'... he sounds like an adolescent hoodlum, not a man with _six doctorates!_ " Without waiting for a response from his wife, he stormed past her and into the bed room, slamming the door behind him.

Moments later, he heard Vanessa shout from the living room, "So did you guys fuck or what?"

\---

Five years had passed.

Hermann watched as a technician rolled the last blackboard into his new lab. He'd just arrived at the Hong Kong Shatterdome, and already he was less than pleased with the arrangement. The lab was small, which normally wouldn't bother him, but he knew he would be sharing it with another researcher. He nodded at the man, who gave an overenthusiastic salute before scurrying out of the room.

Hermann let out a contempt huff. _Who does that remind you of?_

He shook his head to try and dislodge the thought. The technician, of course, reminded him of Newton Geizler. The damned biologist who couldn't get out of his head. After their original meeting they never again met for personal reasons. However, over the past three years they had been thrust into work situations from time to time. Apparently, despite being in completely different fields, fate still found a way to bring them together.

Some nights, when Hermann couldn't sleep, he wondered if that meant anything.

"Dr. Gottlieb."

Hermann turned to face Marshall Pentecost as the man strode into the lab. "Hello again, Marshall. It's been a while."

"Indeed it has." The Marshall shook Hermann's hand so fiercely that he almost fell over. "I haven't seen you since Clawhook went down. How are you?"

Hermann pulled his hand back, flexing the fingers to make sure they still worked. "I've been alright, I suppose. Nothing new, really." He glanced over Pentecost's shoulder. "Do you have any idea who I am to be sharing this area with? I'd like to meet them, since we'll be working in close quar-"

"HERRRRRRRMANN!"

A familiar man appeared from behind the Marshall, all bright eyes and crazy hair. Before Hermann could react, he rushed forward and gave the mathematician a strong hug. "How are ya, buddy? I haven't seen you since '18!"

"For the love of God, get off of me, Newton-"

"I can't believe you're he-"

"It's a small world, Newton. Now if you would please-"

"Wait, are you working in this lab, too?"

This made Hermann pause. He looked up at Pentecost, who was watching the scene with amusement. "Marshall...you don't mean to say I'll be sharing my lab with Dr. Geizler, do you?"

"Yes, you will. There's adequate space for both of you, and from what I understand, you've worked together in the past."

"Sure we have!" Newt stepped closer to Hermann to sling an arm around his shoulders. "Me and Hermann are like, best buds. Right, Herm?"

"First of all, _Hermann_ and _I_. Also, _absolutely not_."

The Marshall glanced in between the two of them, trying to make sense of the situation. Finally, he just shook his head. "Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted to your new workspace."

He had been gone only a moment before Newt begun speaking again. "Oh Herm, this'll be great! You and me, working together _again_! Won't this be fun?"

"Oh, sure," Herman grunted, glancing at the floor. "Barrels of fun."

As Newton continued to babble, Hermann started to plan out a center line for the room.

\---

Over the years, Hermann found it more and more difficult to ignore the feelings he had for Newt. Despite his fierce denial of Vanessa's crude question all those years ago, he had to admit that he'd found him attractive from the moment they'd met. It only got worse as they grew closer in the Shatterdome, and Hermann learned all the little things about Newt; he would spin his ring around his finger when he was impatient, he would listen to music almost non-stop, and he seemed to have no problem letting his kaiju parts wander to the other side of the room every now and again. These things could be frustrating.

However, there were other things. Like how sometimes, Newt would be so exhausted that he would curl up on his side of the couch (never crossing the line down the middle, of course). If he stretched out in his sleep and woke up, Hermann could occasionally catch him curling back up to his side.

Other times, when Hermann himself fell asleep (at his desk, on the floor, or once against the blackboard) he would always wake up on the couch. The first time he asked Newt about it, he shrugged and said "I have no idea what you're talking about, dude." Other times, he would wake up with whatever meal he may have missed on a table next to him, or a cup of tea (always Earl Grey, which he suspects is Newt's favorite tea as well). These little things made it hard not to feel affectionate towards him, but Hermann's main concern was that these feelings were becoming stronger than mere friendship.

Those fears (and far worse ones) came to life on November 30th, 2024.

"Dr. Gottlieb, Dr. Gottlieb!!"

Hermann had been in the middle of typing up a report when a young intern burst into the room, her body shaking from exertion. He didn't even glance up from his computer, simply stopped working for a moment with his eyes on the screen. "Yes. What is it now? What does the Marshall need?"

The intern took a few moments to catch her breath. "No, uh, the M-Marshall doesn't need you. It's Dr. Geizler."

Hermann rolled his eyes and went back to typing. "Good Lord, what has that fool gone and done-"

"He's in the infirmary."

It took a minute for Hermann to process this. "What...what happened?" He felt himself becoming more and more worried. It wasn't a lab accident, clearly, so what had he done? "Is he alright? Will be be okay?"

The young woman stared at her feet, shuffling them and avoiding Hermann's eyes. "I can't say, sir. It's classified."

"That's absurd!" Hermann quickly got to his feet, grabbing his cane and taking a few steps forward. "You will take me to see him at once." He frowned, surprised by this outburst. He took a step back, smoothing a hand across his wrinkled shirt and looking away awkwardly. "Uh, please. If you could."

She gave him a sad smile. "Follow me, please."

\---

Of all the things that whirred through Hermann's mind, he was not at all prepared for reality.

When he arrived, Newt was laying in a hospital bed in an isolated room, staring at the wall. He appeared fine, but then Hermann looked at his arms, laying limp at his sides. His right wrist had an IV drip that was hung on the right side of the bed.

The other wrist was wrapped in bandages.

Hermann tried to take a quiet step forward, but the tap of his cane gave him away. Newt turned to face him; his usually bright eyes lacked their cheerful glow, and his glasses were missing.

Neither of them spoke. Hermann's thoughts were racing at a million miles an hour, trying to put the pieces together in a way that didn't suggest the logical explanation. Eventually, the intern wandered back into the room to grab his chart.

"Have they figured it out yet, Melaine?" Newt's voice bordered on manic, an anxious tone usually reserved for screaming at Hermann. "They're going to my room, right? They'll figure it out." When Melaine didn't answer, he appeared even more frantic. "I'm n-not lying, I swear!"

Melaine sighed. "Newton, I'd like to believe you. Really, I would. We have to keep you because of your...record, you know that. But I can't say much until the doctor comes back. When she does, I'm sure she'll have the truth, alright?" She patted his ankle, but he just looked back at the wall, apparently trying to ignore Hermann altogether. Melaine disappeared, and swiftly returned with Newton's glasses.

"Newton, can I trust you with these while Hermann is keeping an eye on you?"

 _Keeping an eye out?_ Hermann thought. _Why?_

Newt nodded, but not before he'd given her a childish scowl. He allowed her to unfold the glasses and slide them onto his face. With a nod to Hermann, she walked out of the room.

Hermann hesitated, holding back his feelings of fear and guilt (mostly fear). He was not foolish; he knew what this suggested, and if they were going to have this talk, they may as well have it now. But first, he had to remove all possible doubt from his mind. "Newton..." His voice was uncharacteristically soft, worried his usual sarcastic tone may startle the other doctor. "Newton...why aren't you allowed to have your glasses?"

Newt finally looked him in the eye. After a few moments, he glanced away again. "They think I'll break the glass. It's part of the watch thing."

And there it was. Hermann's knuckles turned white as he tightened his grip on his cane. He examined Newt's arms. He had never noticed before, but under the intricate designs and artistry, if you looked close enough, you could see the faint, raised ridges of the past. Hermann ran a hand through his hair, pausing to lean his forehead against his open palm before dropping it. "Good Lord, Newton. What the hell happened?"  
Newt frowned, his hands clenching into fists. "I didn't do it, I swear! I bring fruit back to my room from the cafeteria, you know that. I was cutting an apple and I slipped, I promise! They won't believe me. I know it looks bad, like, _really_ bad, but I was really jittery and had a little too much coffee. I'm past all that, I promise! Really!"

Before Hermann could give his opinion on the subject, the door opened. A woman in a doctor's coat stepped into the room, with one hand behind her back. She closed the door before walking to Newt's bedside and dropping something in a ziploc bag on the table.

An apple with a couple slices missing. There was a streak of blood on the outside, almost indistinguishable from the fruit's natural color.

"Well, Dr. Geizler." The woman picked up Newt's chart and began flipping through it. "It would appear that your story is true. I'd like to check your bandages one more time and then we'll let you go."

Hermann was silent during the entire process. About a half hour later, he was talking with Newt back to the lab, occasionally glancing at him to make sure he was still there.

"Alright." Hermann sat down in his chair and spun it towards Newt, who was trying to sneak back to his desk like nothing had happened. "You're going to have to explain."  
After a long, dramatic sigh, Newt grabbed a chair, flipped it around with the back facing Hermann (which he _knew_ he hated), and sat down, leaning his chin on the back of the chair.

"I was...I was really depressed, when I was younger. Like, throw yourself off a building depressed."

Any other time Hermann might have chastised him for such blunt speech, but he opted to stay quiet.

"I eventually found a way of...dealing with it, I guess. As you saw, I'm sure. One day, I fucked up and cut a little too deep. My uncle found me and took me to the hospital." His right hand traveled to mess with a string that had separated from the gauze of his bandages. "After that I went into therapy. Got diagnosed with BPD, stopped the...y'know. Got better. Got my fifth and six doctorates. Got even better." As he finished his story he looked up at Hermann. "I should’ve told you before, maybe. I'm sorry. It's over now, long gone. I promise."

He stared at Hermann, waiting for some sort of reaction. Hermann was at a loss for words. He was glad to know that this was over, that Newt had overcome the problems he'd had, but he was mainly still worried about the fact that he'd _almost lost him_. If he'd cut too deep, or if someone hadn't found him (he still can't remember who it was, the whole afternoon was a blur), he wouldn't be sitting in front of him. There were so many things he hadn't said, so many emotions he'd been waiting to figure out themselves, while Newt waited. What if the next time he wasn't so lucky? The threat of complete destruction loomed over them every day. What was he afraid of?

So Hermann stood up, walked over to Newt's chair, and pulled him into a kiss.

Newt's shocked _squawk_ was so ridiculous that Hermann almost pulled away. But after a few moments of wide-eyed staring he must have realized that no, this was not a dream, because he returned the kiss enthusiastically. It was short, and it could never say everything that Hermann was feeling.

So he said it out loud.

"Newton...I...Newt." He ignored the look of utter shock that passed over Newt's face. "I should have done something, should have told you a long time ago...that I think I love you."

\---

For two months, Newt and Hermann were the happiest of couples.

At first, Hermann was hesitant to let anyone know about them. He was extremely happy to be with Newt, and would love to publicly be able to express his affection, but he had one problem: someone finding out about Vanessa.

Hermann had yet to tell Newt he was married.

When they first started out, Hermann thought 'I'll wait until the right time, then I'll tell him' which slowly morphed into 'I guess I don't have to tell him'. He knew it was wrong, but at this point he was terrified of how Newt would react to not knowing about Vanessa this whole time. She knew about Newt, but to her understanding, Newt was completely aware of the fact that he was married and had no problem with it. So, Hermann kept silent and didn't say a word.

When the PPDC began to fall apart, so did Hermann's facade.

Newt had contracted some silly little virus that kept half the Shatterdome hovering over their toilet bowls. For the duration of the illness, Newt laid in Hermann's bed, groaning about how he would surely die from the pain. One afternoon, Hermann had left Newt to sleep while he went up to the cafeteria for lunch.

"Erghhh." Newt made an unpleasant noise as he sat up in bed, a hand running through his frazzled hair. His stomach felt fine (no imminent threat of projectile vomiting) but his body felt extremely weak.

And hungry. Damn, was he hungry.

Slowly he stood, yawning and stretching as he made his way to Hermann's desk, where he would sometimes leave notes if he woke before the biologist. Newt had a habit of sleeping in late, whilst Hermann would be up with the birds. As expected, a post it note was stuck to the desk, reading: 'out to lunch. join me if you want.'

Newt's stomach growled, clearly stating that it was more than eager to join Hermann in the cafeteria. As he turned, a small envelope on the corner of the desk caught his eye. It was stuck underneath a folder of PPDC reports.

_Hmmmmmm..._

All thoughts of Hermann's privacy were pushed aside by his curiosity. He took a letter out of the envelope and read:

"Dearest Hermann,

I wanted to let you know: I got the job! It's near home, so I can just take the bus. They have a couple different offices around the world, so if you get a job somewhere else, I could probably transfer. I told them I was married and they said it would be fine for me to go wherever you go. How have you been doing? I know you're busy but it's been a few weeks since you've written. I'm probably sounding like a nagging wife here but I'm not (well, not the nagging part, anyway c: )

Love, Vanessa."

The letter floated to the ground, slipping from his frozen hands.

Married. Hermann was _married_. Fully off-limits, undeniably, without a doubt _married to someone else_. Newt ripped open the desk drawer (which Hermann had previously told him he shouldn't go through) to find dozens of letters with a return address reading "Vanessa Gottlieb".

He had been _used_. Hermann had a loving wife back home, but he went behind her back and slept with _him_. He was a homewrecker.

He barely made it to the toilet before he was throwing up. He wasn't sick with the virus, but disgusted with what he'd unknowingly done.

\---

Hermann wasn't one for social outings, but this was enjoyable. He had been sitting in the cafeteria with Tendo when Herc Hansen and his son had sat down with them. Hermann had hoped to return to his room with some food for Newt, but the meal had turned into casual conversation and despite Hermann's love for Newt, it was refreshing to be amongst non-sniffling company. Newt was probably enjoying the extra time to sleep.

As he was about to tell the table that he really should be going, he spotted a familiar figure entering the hall. It was Newt.

And he looked _furious_.

Hermann stood up from the table, grabbing his cane in his right hand and taking a few steps forward to greet him.

He didn't see Newt's hand pulling back, but he heard Tendo yell "HEY!" before Newt's fist collided with his face.

Hermann fell backwards, his cane clattering to the floor after him. Newt followed, grabbing him by the collar and dragging him back to his feet. His fist pulled back again but before he could throw another punch Chuck was tugging him away, while Tendo hurried to grab Hermann's cane and help him stand upright.

"Dr. Geizler!" Herc barked, already on his feet and approaching him. "What-"

Before he could finish, Newt managed to free himself from Chuck's grasp. He took one step forward, his hands already curled into fists and yelling, "You bastard! You fucking-"

The new Jaeger pilot, Raleigh, leapt from his seat at a nearby table and reached Newt just as Chuck grabbed the scientist's other arm. Between them they held Newt back, planting their feet heavily on the ground as the scientist pulled and struggled to get away.

"Newton!" Herc tried to sound angry, but he was confused more than anything. "What the hell do you think you’re doing?"

Newt ignored him. He gave up on fighting, sagging forward in the pilots' grips and breathing heavily. When he finally looked up at Hermann, the mathematician noted that after eight years of knowing the man, he'd never seen Newt look so... _angry_.

"You sick bastard!" Newt spat. "How could you? How could you do that to her? How...how could you do that to _me!_ " Tears spilled down Newt’s cheeks, but he refused to look away from Hermann's eyes.

Hermann felt his stomach flip. _He can't... he_ can't _have figured it out...could he?_

"Newton...I'm not sure what you're talking about-"

"Don't you fucking LIE TO ME!" He was screaming now, his face flushed with fury. "Don't you FUCKING DARE!" He pulled one arm free, and before Raleigh could grab him he pulled the envelope out of his pocket and threw it at Hermann.

"There!" Newt stepped back and Raleigh grabbed him again. "You can't hide anymore! I know...I know _everything_!"

Everything was falling apart. Hermann froze, unable to speak or move. Newt knew everything, how he'd been lying to him...what was he even thinking?

"How long?"

Hermann glanced up to see that Newt had gone completely limp in the pilots' arms, so exhausted that he could hardly keep his head up to glare. When the Hermann didn't answer, Newt stood a little straighter and lifted his voice.

"I deserve to know. How long, Hermann, have you been _married_?

The silent room filled with gasps. Everyone stared at them. Tendo muttered, "oh _shit_ ".

Hermann tried to murmur the answer quietly, but Newt wasn't having it. "What was that, Hermann?" he snapped. "I don't think anyone could hear you."

He glanced up at Newt, looking for the anger in his eyes, but all he could see was betrayal. He hung his head before speaking, loud enough for the whole cafeteria to hear: "fourteen years."

Hermann could somehow _feel_ Newts heart break further. Tendo was pacing down the aisle, murmuring, "shit, shit, _shit_ " over and over.

"Fourteen years," Newt repeated. "And for two months now, you've been _pretending_ to care about me. You told me you _loved_ me, remember that? Two months ago? And so many times since then, and I believed you." He stopped, shaking his head and looking away. "I _believed_ you."

"Newt, please-"

"NO!" Newt screamed, and Raleigh and Chuck tightened their grips on him. "YOU DON'T GET TO TALK! You just...you stop, okay? Just shut up, right now!" He waited for Hermann to say something, and when he was silent, he took a deep breath. "No one...no one _ever_ wanted me. I've always been someone people thought of as a freak, as a nobody. Nobody _ever_ loved me. And I..." He paused, sniffing before continuing, "and for a while, I believed them. And then you-" He shot another glare at Hermann, weaker and less potent than the rest. "You loved....no. You _pretended_ to love me, and for the first time in my life I thought...'hey, maybe you’re not so _useless_ after all.'"

Newt sniffed again, tugging on Raleigh's grip so he could wipe his face with the back of his hand.

"But I was wrong." He swallowed hard, and lifted his head to face Hermann once more. "You just wanted to _use_ me. It must have been very convenient for you; knowing I was too desperate for someone to love me to notice something like a letter from a _wife_. But apparently I'm not so stupid after all."

"Newton, _please-_ " Hermann was crying as well, and his hands shook as he reached out to Newt. "Please, just let me explain, you don't _understand-_ "

"Oh, I understand _plenty_." Newt took a step back, waiting for the two pilots to release him before speaking. "I was nothing more than a distraction. And I don't want to _ever_ speak to you again."

Newt turned and began walking out of the cafeteria. At the entrance he turned; part of him still believed that Hermann cared, that he would come after him-

No. He was still standing by Herc and Chuck, watching him with an expression Newt couldn't place.

Newt choked back a sob as he turned and ran out of the room.

\---

Hermann wanted to sort things out, to try and explain, but the next few days were a disaster. He predicted a triple event and Newt claimed that he could drift with a kaiju.

To everyone's shock, the latter is proved first.

He had been returning from dinner and found Newt seizing on the ground.

"NEWTON!" Hermann rushed over, throwing his cane to the ground and dropping to his knees. "Newton, what have you done?!" He pulled the Pons headpiece off of him and pulled his eyelid back, revealing a bloodshot iris.

Newt's other eye opened, wheeling around before settling on Hermann's face. For a moment, Hermann worried that he might pull away. Instead, Newt's hand shot out and grasped Hermann's jacket, pulling him closer. He smiled softly and said, so quietly that Hermann almost missed it, "it worked."

Hermann made a noise; whether it was a sob or a laugh, he wasn't sure. Newt's body jerked again and Hermann reacted on impulse, pulling the smaller man into his arms. The arrangement was painful, but he needed to feel Newt's back against his chest, to know that his heart was still fluttering against its ribs (quite frantically, given the circumstances). He struggled to remain in the present while his mind traveled back to that fateful day mere months ago, when he'd almost lost him. The fear he'd felt that day returned threefold, wrapping around Hermann's lungs and threatening to suffocate him.

Luckily, a technician walking past heard the commotion and came into the lab to investigate. Hermann lifted his head. "Get Pentecost," he ordered. "Tell him Newt drifted with a Kaiju. Go, NOW!"

The young man hurried to follow orders, tripping over the leg of a chair as he went. Hermann looked down when he felt Newt's hand on his shoulder, tugging him down. He looked into his eyes: one red, one green, both frightened. The biologist's hand lifted to rest on Hermann's jaw. "I..." Newt swallowed and looked confused, struggling to speak. "I...I-I..."

"Hush." Hermann took Newt's hand off his face and held it in his own. "Don't talk, you're still recovering from the drift. Just relax." He pressed his face into Newt's hair, rocking him back and forth. It took a while for him to notice he'd be speaking to Newt as he rocked, a constant mantra:

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

\---

He couldn't let him drift alone again. It'd almost killed him the first time, and with a full, fresh brain, Lord knows what would happen.

So he drifts with Newt.

_He sees a younger Newt, growing up with his uncle and his father. He sees a seven year old Newt being held by his uncle, his father in the other room on the phone, screaming in German._

"She didn't come last year either," _Newt murmurs, sniffling and looking up at his uncle._ "Illia, I don't get it. Why doesn't she love me? Am I not good enough?"

"You're more than enough, liebling," _Illia insists._ "Your mother...well. She's just...let's just say she doesn't deserve a son like you."

"But why?" _Newt yells._ "I'll be better, I promise. I just want her to come see me. It's not fair!" _His sniffling turns into violent sobs. Illia hugs him tighter, looking at Jacob over the back of the couch. It's then that Hermann notices the dining room table, with a small birthday cake and four plates._

_He watches as he shoots through school, quickly becoming one of the smartest minds of his generation. He watches as he starts taking college level courses at thirteen years old. He watches as his teachers and professors call him the brightest mind of his generation._

_He also watches him get beaten up by schoolyard delinquents. He watches his father struggling to find work with his limited English, having moved to America to support Newton, working late hours to keep the family afloat. He watches year after year pass with no contact from his mother._

_And then he finds his coping method._

_If Hermann could pull his eyes away, he would. Instead, he's forced to watch as Newt takes a blade to his skin. Each cut says something different:_ unloved, unwanted, unnecessary.

Burden, coward, waste of space.

_He sees the day when he goes too far. Newt's laying on the floor, clutching his wrist with his other hand, his body shaking uncontrollably. He screams for help, but by the time his uncle's made it to his room, he's already passed out from blood loss. The diagnosis, the therapy, the fifth and sixth doctorates. After the first kaiju attack, he goes to get his first tattoos done: the beginnings of his arm sleeves._

_Then he sees the beginning of their relationship. Newt's happier than he's ever been when they're together, so happy that Hermann thinks, in the real world, he must be crying._

_But when the drift takes him to a few weeks ago, he feels like sobbing for another reason entirely. He feels the hurt, the betrayal, and strongest: Newt's disgust with himself. The fact that his own heart has been broken is apparently not as important to him as the fact that he unknowingly led Hermann astray from his marriage (but he's wrong, so very wrong, if only Hermann could_ make _him understand-)._

_He sees Newt quietly sobbing in his room, his shoulders shaking. The biologist pulls open a drawer and pulls something small and shiny out._

_Hermann's mind is screaming -_ no Newt put it down put it down put it down NOW-

_Newt holds it in his hands for a few moments. He lays the blade flat on his wrist; not doing anything with it, just feeling the metal on his skin. He traces the blade up and down his forearm, starting at a vein in his wrist and following it down to his elbow; still not cutting, just observing._

_Hermann obviously knows that Newt will live past this, but it doesn't stop him from panicking. He knows_ exactly _what Newt's thinking about and he cannot fathom that it was he who made him consider it._

_He picks his left leg instead, and Hermann is horrified when one of his own memories flickers into his head, a few mornings ago. Newt limped into the lab, claiming he'd banged his knee on his bedside table._

_After that, Hermann's mind is overrun with kaiju-blue images, of alien monsters and other worlds and everything is spinning, but one image remains prevalent in his mind; Newt sobbing in his room._

When they came to, Hermann ripped the Pons headpiece off his head and ran to vomit, the most recent scene of Newt's life still playing in his mind.

\---

They did it. They drifted with the kaiju, they alerted the Jaegers and saved the world.

In those moments, when everyone was cheering and celebrating, Hermann edged closer to Newt. Newt glanced at him, and in that moment they both felt the after effects of the drift; Newt knew what Hermann saw. Hermann also knew that Newt must have seen everything: the conversation with Vanessa, the panic he'd felt finding Newt in the hospital, the joy he'd felt when they were together, and the agony when he'd realized what he'd done.

Hermann looked into his eyes, and for once, he didn't count on looks or gestures to say anything. "Newton...I am profoundly sorry, so sorry that I can never truly express it. I love you, and I never, _ever_ wish to be parted from you again. We have a lot to discuss, but for now, could you possibly forgive me?"

Newt watched him for a moment. Then, he slung an arm around Hermann's shoulders and pulled him closer, giving him a peck on the cheek. "Of course, you big nerd."

\---

One skype call later, Hermann had brought Vanessa up to speed. She called him an idiot at least three times, and she and Newt babbled on and on about Dungeons and Dragons for at least half an hour while Hermann was in the bath.

When Vanessa suggested that Newt return with Hermann to Berlin, the biologist was actually brought to tears. Hermann held him while Vanessa reassured him from halfway across the world. Newt looked back up to the computer. "I d-don't understand...why do you want me there?"

In response, Vanessa grinned. "Hermann's already fallen in love with you. It's my turn."

\---

They kept it secret until the following week. Everyone was packing up, and relatives had begun to arrive. After the spectacle in the cafeteria, there was only one way to remedy the situation without having to answer too many questions.

Hermann and Newt were eating with Tendo when they saw Vanessa walk into the dining hall.

"Vanessa!"

Both men stood from their seats (Newt a little faster than Hermann). By the time Hermann had worked his way into the aisle, she had reached them. She rushed forward to quickly kiss her husband before turning to Newt.

To everyone's shock, Mrs. Gottlieb grabbed Newt by his skinny tie and pulled him into a kiss, still holding her husband's hand. Newt kissed back, taking one of her hands in his as they pulled apart. She tugged her hands away to sling an arm around each of them, pulling them into a tight hug. "My boys..." she murmured, standing back to look at them with a fond, exasperated look in her eyes. "My stupid, lovely boys."

Both men laughed, and with the entire cafeteria still watching them, they all sat down at the table with Tendo, hands still connected, with Vanessa in between them.

"Tendo, I don't believe you've met my wife, Vanessa?"

Tendo's jaw had previously been pulling towards the floor, but it closed when Hermann spoke to him. It opened and closed a few more times and he lifted a finger to point at Vanessa, then Hermann, then Newt, and then back to Hermann, and back to Vanessa once more.

"I...you...he...she...what..."

Finally, Tendo just let his head fall onto to the table. "Could one of you just tell me what the fuck is going on?"

The three of them all chuckled together (almost creepily, Tendo might have suggested) and it was Hermann that finally answered him.

"Let me try that again. Tendo, this is my wife Vanessa, and our partner, Newton Geizler."

**Author's Note:**

> Well, hoped you liked it! I hope to do several more fics for this fandom in the future. Big thanks to my friends Anya, Amelia, and Jamie for getting me off my lazy butt and keeping me motivated. This fic would not have happened without them.
> 
> Artwork by Amelia: ishkabibblie.tumblr.com


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